A crisis of competence? Concern? Compassion?

The packages we've dropped along the way

I ordered cabinets for my kitchen remodel, and 90% of them showed up broken, scratched, or otherwise damaged. This may not seem like a big deal, but I’m sure you’ve noticed the trend… people seem to be either incompetent or apathetic everywhere you turn, and when you find someone who cares or has a shred of competence, they’re completely burnt out.

The UPS driver that delivered the replacement cabinets dragged a huge load up to my door on a dolly. He looked tired. As he lifted the heaviest package, the entire dolly fell over and the poorly packaged boxes hit the cement. He looked frazzled but picked everything up and kept going. I thought about why everything costs so much: this kid dropped the package because he’s a dolt, and so the company has to incur the costs!

I shared this with my husband, my mother, and several other people because the root of the crisis was so apparent to me: He was incompetent!

Everyone I spoke to could assert exactly when and where this started: The pandemic. (People won’t even type the word anymore out of fear that the algorithm will block any discussion about it, by the way, but that-which-must-not-be-named is another story.) But why? What was it that caused this phenomenon, and more importantly, how can we turn this around or into something better?

I remember the day my daughter’s school shut down. I cried for hours because I knew we were headed for this kind of crisis, or worse. I’m no Nostradamus, but anyone could see the cascading effects of schools shutting down. Schools don’t close - so the fear this instilled in people was enough to ensure that no one went outside, but the lack of daycare really kickstarted the problem of apathy. No one was prepared for the financial impact of being home from work. Most people barely have $400 in their bank accounts, and at least 26% of the workforce was out of work for a chunk of 2020. A massive, swift rise in unemployment even for a moment was enough to create a crisis that would have long-lasting effects.

That’s when the riots started. Again, no big surprise: isolate a bunch of broke people and watch the pot boil over. I was terrified during the summer of 2020, not because the city was being destroyed, but because I knew this was an outward reflection of how people felt inside. They wanted to tear down the system that lead them here, and while windows have been repaired and unemployment checks have dried up, people who were holding up what was left of the system have lost their livelihoods and their faith in each other.

I can hear it in the voices of the people I encounter every day. They’re tired. They don’t care. The cost of everything has gone up, so even if they’re paid a premium to work, they can’t afford shit. When I thought about it that way, I realized that apathy has to be a big part of the problem. That kid dropped the cabinets, but I don’t know what else he had been through that day. It was the end of the day, and maybe he was exhausted. He delivered the first order of cabinets, too - which were damaged from the manufacturer, not shipping. So maybe it wasn’t just his incompetence. He wouldn’t have as much work if I hadn’t needed the replacements. The work must be unending. I saw him in a new light. Maybe he was too exhausted to give a shit.

My cabinets are here, so I called about my countertops which have been back-ordered for weeks. I’ve called the supplier almost daily for 2 weeks - when they were supposed to be installed (now 14 weeks after ordering). They’ve had excuse after excuse: materials back-ordered, traveling, other customer issues, etc. But I had enough. I left a voicemail that was half-joking:

“Anna, girl. It’s Thursday and ya boy Greg was supposed to call me yesterday (at the latest!). I know it’s tough but you gotta stay on these boys. Darius, Greg, whoever - girl get them to call me so I can leave ya’ll alone. Ms. Mott is going to call back every day 2, 3 times a day until ya’ll get these dang things installed! Come on now!”

The owner, Greg, called right back to tell me that the countertops that he received are not exactly what I ordered. They were slightly less bright white. I said, “Install them. I’ll raise hell with Home Depot later.” He sighed and started into a very candid story about how he’s been doing this for 35 years and he’s thinking about giving it up. It’s not his fault the manufacturer changed the formula or that they were back-ordered. There’s no accountability, and he’s trying to hold it all together, but it’s out of control. He sounded very worn down. I realized that if I called Home Depot he would bear the brunt of whatever cost was incurred. So, I led with compassion. I told him I understood, and that it must be really difficult to do this work right now. I told him I appreciated him for doing it, and I was sorry for being a pain about it.

Right then and there I realized that the best we can do is support each other - WHILE holding each other accountable for the things within our immediate control.

He can’t control the manufacturer, but he could have called me yesterday when he said he would. He could have followed up on the back-ordered supply 2 weeks ago. All I ask is that he does the best with what he has. He agreed and promised to call me by the end of the day with an install date, and I will hold him to that, but I’ll also give him grace if he can’t get it done tomorrow as he promised me on Monday.

When I hung up the phone, the UPS guy showed up again. I told him I was thinking about him, and how he must feel like he’s carrying the weight of the world. He seemed surprised and genuinely grateful for my compassion as if I was the first person to speak to him all day. I hope he cares a little bit more knowing that someone sees his struggle and appreciates him for getting up and getting to work.

The way I see it, if we let go of compassion for each other, then we’re all fucked. Somewhere along the line, we dropped competency, we then lost concern, but there’s no way in hell I’m gonna drop the ball on compassion. Damage has been done, and I don’t know if we’ll ever repair things back to where they were the day before my daughter’s school shut down, but I do know that I’d rather move forward today carrying compassion.

---

*Postscript: We’re all tired. We’ve all been screwed over, and we’re all dealing with some crap. We need to take accountability where we can, and admit where we’re dropping the ball. Did you have a moment today where you lacked competence, concern, or compassion? We can all take responsibility for ourselves and the way we show up in the world.