Simplandia

The gross side of SimpTown

After writing the last newsletter, I had a lot of contradicting thoughts left over that didn’t fit with the theme - but I still thought them.

I said if you’re using simp as an insult, you’re a hater. Well, I am a hater, too.

I do have compassion for simps and other men wrongly accused of simping, which is why I wrote the entire first newsletter in their defense. However, I think it would be one-sided of me not to try to understand where the assault on Simps is coming from.

Another point of clarification: A husband cannot be a simp if he is getting the booty. To be a true simp, you can’t be getting a physical exchange or real love. I do think it’s a cute roleplay though. I’m down.

Simps are reviled because they are seen as pathetic. Unrequited love is one of the saddest things I can imagine. Losing your bankroll to an exploitative woman is kinda funny, but also sad. The truth is everyone likes having someone willing to do stuff for them, but some women are definitely exploiting the Simpians.

A simpian is what I’m going to coin as the simpiest simps in existence. These guys are Olympic-level simps. They’re extremes, and we all know how gross extremists can be. We’re not talking about just overly emotional men, simpletons, or sissypimps, we’re talking Doormats.

These guys serve as patrons for multiple girls’s OnlyFans in hopes that they might get to fuck (never), they support bitches’ whole lifestyle. I can’t really be mad at the girl for it, because I know you can tell a man to fuck off a million times, but if he’s sending you flowers and checks I mean… he’s the fool. Girl, stay on your hustle, but don’t be mad when the well runs dry.

As I said, I have compassion for these dudes. So instead of criticizing their behavior, I’m going to write a constructive letter of support and comeuppance.

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Dear Mr. Simpian Simpleton,

I hope you receive my words with all the love I intend, but because you are a simp and I am a pretty girl, I’m sure you will somehow extract even more love than that.

First of all, I am hoping that you are aware of your simpdumbs. These are things you may be experiencing if you are in fact a simp:

• anxiety/depression

• pining for a woman far out of your league,

• drooling on your phone,

• endless masturbation,

• more than a few direct messages to girl(s) who you support financially and receive no physical contact from,

• suicidal ideation,

• pronouns in the bio (differential diagnosis: beta male),

• incessant crying over a girl who you’ve never slept with,

• embarrassing tweets or messages of yours have been made public by a parody or meme account,

• you’re a super-fan of Bella Poarch,

• you’re a fan of pegging, but refuse to admit you’re not straight,

• you’re a white man that wears blm gear.

If you have more than a few of these clinical sequelae it’s probably because you’re a simp. Some of you are completely fine being a simp. It’s kind of like people who enjoy doing illegal drugs. It’s cool man, just don’t get carried away.

If you want help, don’t worry, babe. There are several investigational treatments that (should) be available:

Have you tried

• Electroshock therapy?

• Frontal lobotomy?

• Not spending all your money on women who show you and anyone with a few dollars their boobies?

• Saying “No”?

• Not sliding in the DMs?

If none of these treatments sound ideal, I’m happy to help you work your way out of Simpdom - just Venmo me $100.

Love,

The E-girl you will never get