You're Free Feel and Act, but There Will be Consequences

Week 24: Experimenting w/ Absurdism

Usually, voiceovers are for my paid subscribers, but this one’s important.

It’s the morning after the election and people are in their motherfucking feeeeeeeeels. But what’s wrong with feeling? We’re free to feel. It’s not wrong or right to do so, and our feelings aren’t wrong or right. The double-edged sword of the feels is that they’re contagious, for better or worse. My husband woke up this morning and blasted “God Bless America”, and while neither of us is thrilled about the election results, we laughed and sang because one of our lifelong mottos is “if you don’t laugh, you cry”. Other people in my family had different feelings and none of them right or wrong, but our feels are contagious and can lead us to action - quick action. Reactive action. The only objective measure of whether our feelings are right or wrong is an internal one:

Do your feelings and actions help you exist the way you want to?

The way I want to exist is by thoughtful reflection. So I’m taking a beat to reflect. While the banter wasn’t great, this morning was a far cry better than how I felt the morning of Wednesday, November 9th, 2016. I was not well.

Having barely slept, I lurched through the Courtyard Marriott, stunned - exchanging glances and somber nods with the hotel staff as I tucked into an Uber and headed to my corporate office in Framingham, New Jersey. I had felt that Trump would win as I dropped my ballot off at 3am the day before. I knew it as I boarded the plane, as I walked through the airport, and as I had dinner with a new friend. Knowing this didn’t take away the shock and disappointment.

I wrote:

November 9th I look at people as they walk by or sit beside me at the bar. They're sitting quietly, walking silently, talking softly, listening closely. There's an aire of solemn sorrow in New Jersey today. It permeates everything. The airwaves, the food, the paper. My pen is orange. I cried to my Kenyan Uber driver. Tears spilled down and out when the concierge asked if I was okay. No. No I wasn't. I am not okay. I hope I will be. I know most people feel that this is the end. She won the popular vote. I felt immediately moved to action. I created a Facebook group last night at 3:15 a.m. now I need to follow through. If this isn't the push we need I don't know what would be. I haven't slept more than 2 hours. I'm exhausted but I've got to regroup. I've got to get a head start on things I wrote down. All the things we would need to do to engage members of patreon perhaps.

November 17th I haven't written in over a week. I've been in a trance. Having been to six cities in seven days. I've organized a group on Facebook and I'm trying to get my bearings back. I'd like to focus my energy somewhere. Talking to Sam and my brother is giving me a clue. I need more patience. Cramming info down piece people's throats doesn't work. It may work a little, because I think they both have different opinions now than before I started, but it's painful and arduous and I'd like to use a more effective tactic. So many people want to give. So many people don't know how or what. so many people need a nudge.

I don't have time. I don't know enough. I don't know what to do. I can't communicate. I can't change anything. I just feel bad. 

I felt moved to action, but also entirely impotent. As a result, my aunt and I got into a huge fight over politics. I was told by several people to “cut off anyone who voted for Trump”, and I considered it. It felt very pointed. Very sad, very angry, and mildly gratifying to “cut her off” - if even for a bit. My goal wasn’t to isolate. It was to bring people together and make things better, but I ended up making things worse. After the feelings had subsided, I had to apologize and repair because I love her and I didn’t want ill feelings because we disagree about the way the world should work. I’m not sorry that we disagreed, and I’m not sorry that I felt things. I am sorry that we had such a severe split, that I caused her pain, and that we lost time and togetherness.

Another less pointed action that came from my feelings of impotence was bringing together several local political groups to forth campaign finance reform because I believe money in politics is the fundamental issue that underlies everything. It was tedious and dull work. It took many iterations, man hours, and years of work, but my actions contributed to an outcome that I believe is important. I also brought Nova along for the meetings where she colored quietly. Maybe she absorbed something, but the fruits of these labors aren’t the most satisfying, and it’s much sexier to yell and fight and achieve some catharsis that way, but the outcome does not feel good long term. If I had to do it again, I’d channel all my efforts into projects that have meaning to me.

And lucky for me, it looks like I do have a chance to do it again.

So let me say this: I’m sorry for not fielding your feelings better. Let’s both comitt to doing things better. You know who you are.

Progress towards your goals takes time and focused, intelligent effort. And importantly, reacting out of anger or frustration is not likely to move you in the direction you want to go. Of course, you’re free to feel and act however you like, but remember there will be consequences.

Nova, me, and my aunt November 19th, 2016… the fight was looming. I’m sorry FAS. I wish I’d known better.