3 Steps to Emotional Ninja Status
Emotions: Part II
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Last newsletter, I wrote about emotions: what they are, from whence they came, plus lizard people and general fuckery that I find entertaining, but this Part II is more of a How-To. I’m giving you a basic breakdown of Acceptance Commitment Therapy as I understand it from Steven Hayes. Most of this info is from Act on Life not On Anger1, and I’d say that’s a great place to start. Lemme just say this shit changed my life. I mean in theory, everything changes your life in some way, but really. This is good shit. As a connoisseur of therapy, this is a flavor I can gulp down. I think you can, too.
Higher arousal states are easier to see, feel, and get into. When you stub your toe, you’re feeling some kind of way and it’s obvious. It’s that low valence, high arousal state of alert, meaning: we don’t like it, and it’s in our face. Anger, (low V/high A) is an easy place to start when about emotional regulation. Physical manifestations of anger can cause problems. For the individual, anger increases heart rate, blood pressure, shallow breathing, and even pain. Mentally, anger consumes our cognition. Once anger rushes in, it’s hard to put that toothpaste back in the tube. There’s quite a bit to get into when you enter the high arousal state of anger. I’d break it down into three Levels or possible outcomes:
Ignore, and check for the destruction you’ve caused later (or don’t). Anger will subside, but in the meantime shit can get live. (Do not recommend)
Acknowledge the feelings, but let it ride. There’s a bit of awareness in this scenario, not that you’re doing much about it.
Accept the feeling, but move towards cognitive control. (Recommended)
Most people live in Level One: Situation critical. This is the danger zone. Anything could happen here. You’re ready to fight, and depending upon the situation and your influences, you might be out for literal blood. Words are weapons here, too, although let’s don’t go there for now. We ain’t ready for this as a species.
The next level up is recognizing the feeling. At Level 2, you can either identify this consciously or unconsciously. Some people even bottle up at the slightest sign of anger: raised voices, quickened pulse, tight chest… shut down. One of the positive aspects of this type of response is that you can identify the feeling even if it is subconscious. I don’t advocate shoving things under the proverbial rug, but I will praise the ability to recognize a situation and encourage you to dig deeper.
Level 2b would be cognitive acknowledgment: “Oh shit. I’m in it.” Whether or not you can do anything with that is a different story. If I know I can’t see well, it doesn’t mean glasses magically appear on my face. Even just getting to this step takes a lot of reflection. To get on this level, you’ve got to slow down previous scenarios, play it back to see where things went wrong and what the signals were. When did you feel that heat? Did your throat close up? What are the physical signs of your anger, and if you’re fancy Level 2c might entail categorizing your own responses on a semi-quantitative scale. How mad was I 1-10? What happens to me before I’m about to rip a bitch’s face off vs. when I’m just irritated?
Again, mucho, mucho practice needed.
Level Trois is on some Supreme Being type shit. Not only are you recognizing you’re anger in situ, but you’re slowing that shit down like The Flash in real-time. You’ve mastered the recognition piece and practiced it so that you know precisely when you’re
Now, not only are you likely to be in a better position than any opponent, you’re also in a space where you’re big wavy brain can start to dig deeper instead of just reacting. What the fuck is this really about? Next, you want to practice walking this scenario back to determine why you’re really mad. Trust and Believe this usually has something to do with You, and no one else. Your expectations. Your self-worth. Your sense of belonging or security.
Level 3b is figuring out what you want. Shit has went south, but you can still optimize the outcome. Probably not going to go exactly as you want, but if this situation can be made less bad by your reasoned choices… that’s a win. I can’t think of a single time when acting on my emotional instincts (anger) has turned out super duper swell, but I swear, when I can stop, drop and open up shop on my goals, it’s a good outcome. Plus, I feel like a motherfucking savage. A bitch knows what she wants and how to get it.
Now, if you’re on this level you’re a total Emotional Ninja. People are bewildered at your unfuckwithablity. Granted, Emotional Ninjutsu is a skill that requires constant vigilance and maintenance, but I definitely know some ACT Masters that exist in a state where nonplussed is the default.
For more on Steven Hayes's wisdom, I recommend this workbook2. ACT therapy has been shown to be effective in reducing stress and psychiatric disorders in RCTs… which is good evidence3 It keeps me on track when I look back at my values. I also read A Liberated Mind4, and I hang onto a couple of tidbits from that one as well. I think a lot about “putting down the rope” in my tug-o-war with my emotions. Steven Cohen, who recommended these techniques to me, uses the analogy of hanging onto a live wire (your emotions)… you have to gain control and let that shit go. Suffice it to say: Stevens are the truth.
I’ll do a Part III on Low Arousal emotions, like sadness, and contentment if you like and interact with me on this one, please and thank you.
Act on Life Not on Anger: The New Acceptance & Commitment Therapy Guide to Problem Anger (2006) Steven Hayes and Spencer Smith
Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life: The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Steven C. Hayes with Spencer Smith
The efficacy of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: An updated systematic review and meta-analysis Lars-GöranÖstab https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2014.07.018
A Liberated Mind: How To Pivot Toward What Matters (2019)
by Steven C. Hayes