But also - if you can get your hands on some umeshu, basically sour plum infused shochu, add one part lime juice, one part brandy, and two parts umeshu to a shaker full of ice. Whip it like DEVO was your true lord and master, and then pour over ice. Top up the glass with soda water and garnish with a maraschino cherry. It's light, refreshing, and will topple you slowly over.
The "searing pain of silence": yes. It's never more acute than when we really dig in to the ugly stuff, dredge it up and expose it to light. There's some old testament line where God gets pissed off because people are lukewarm, tepid, neither hot nor cold, says he's going to spit people out of his mouth. We want sourness. I get it. Life is dynamic, energetic. It wants an embrace, or a reaction, something, anything but silence.
So, non-rhetorically: is it possible that no one feels good enough the way they are? I don't know the answer, but I consider it a real question, an interesting question. Also, the answer might really matter, but not in the "don't feel so bad" way that we sometimes intend when we want to normalize negative human experience. If - edge cases aside - the structure of being human basically includes this crack that's in everything, then undoing that mechanism would be a fool's errand. But what other strategies are there?
I can say this with the certainty of lived experience: my comfort and appreciation for myself has increased reliably and significantly with age and experience. It's uncanny. And it almost doesn't seem to matter what I do. It amuses me sometimes to consider how I would have lived in my twenties, say, with the level of self-confidence and self-respect I have today. My point: that part of life just seems to to get better and better. I'm not entirely clear why, but I've a strong instinct that it's at least correlated - and more likely caused - by a deepening commitment to and practice of telling the truth, to myself and others. You certainly seem to be on that path yourself. It's good finding your substack.
Regarding limes, sort of. I've stopped drinking during the week. I miss it, but I just can't work like I need and want to with bourbon in my system. I miss it a little bit, but one upside is that Friday afternoons are now imbued with a great glow of anticipation. And... I just noticed it's 5:08. Have a great weekend. Cheers!
I think some people (many with a pathological personality) project that they are good enough, but underneath, I think we all struggle with this. When I consider this, it makes sharing stuff like this a lot easier.
I'm definitely on the curious side of things, looking for answers, or things I didn't consider, and strangely enough this has been bringing me solace. The unknown is pretty comfy at times.
My favorite line, āI think Iām learning to acquire a taste for myself.ā Congratulations.
HUGS!!
Well said and absolutely worth saying.
But also - if you can get your hands on some umeshu, basically sour plum infused shochu, add one part lime juice, one part brandy, and two parts umeshu to a shaker full of ice. Whip it like DEVO was your true lord and master, and then pour over ice. Top up the glass with soda water and garnish with a maraschino cherry. It's light, refreshing, and will topple you slowly over.
That sounds delicious. And thank you.
The "searing pain of silence": yes. It's never more acute than when we really dig in to the ugly stuff, dredge it up and expose it to light. There's some old testament line where God gets pissed off because people are lukewarm, tepid, neither hot nor cold, says he's going to spit people out of his mouth. We want sourness. I get it. Life is dynamic, energetic. It wants an embrace, or a reaction, something, anything but silence.
So, non-rhetorically: is it possible that no one feels good enough the way they are? I don't know the answer, but I consider it a real question, an interesting question. Also, the answer might really matter, but not in the "don't feel so bad" way that we sometimes intend when we want to normalize negative human experience. If - edge cases aside - the structure of being human basically includes this crack that's in everything, then undoing that mechanism would be a fool's errand. But what other strategies are there?
I can say this with the certainty of lived experience: my comfort and appreciation for myself has increased reliably and significantly with age and experience. It's uncanny. And it almost doesn't seem to matter what I do. It amuses me sometimes to consider how I would have lived in my twenties, say, with the level of self-confidence and self-respect I have today. My point: that part of life just seems to to get better and better. I'm not entirely clear why, but I've a strong instinct that it's at least correlated - and more likely caused - by a deepening commitment to and practice of telling the truth, to myself and others. You certainly seem to be on that path yourself. It's good finding your substack.
Regarding limes, sort of. I've stopped drinking during the week. I miss it, but I just can't work like I need and want to with bourbon in my system. I miss it a little bit, but one upside is that Friday afternoons are now imbued with a great glow of anticipation. And... I just noticed it's 5:08. Have a great weekend. Cheers!
To me, silence is worse than criticism.
I think some people (many with a pathological personality) project that they are good enough, but underneath, I think we all struggle with this. When I consider this, it makes sharing stuff like this a lot easier.
I'm definitely on the curious side of things, looking for answers, or things I didn't consider, and strangely enough this has been bringing me solace. The unknown is pretty comfy at times.
Friday is only a couple days away. :)