What do I meme: The non-Fiefdom of Menial Care Tasks
Why I wanted to punch a peasant-ass TikTok creator while doing the laundry
This TikTok SENT me. So of course, I sent it over to my IG to send others. Cuz, this is what my Instagram is for: Processing shit that happens on the internet with my gang.
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Before I get into the flawed logic of her argument, let me just say that this post made me uncomfortable, and I couldn’t quite place why until I was cleaning out my closet yesterday morning. She’s basically saying that if you don’t enjoy and embrace tasks like cleaning out your closet you’re an asshole Lord of a fiefdom who thinks people who do these kinds of tasks are peasants, and my feelings were summarized in a comment on IG:
I couldn’t figure out why I felt this way! Was this proving that I am an asshole? I knew there had to be some wonky logic in here, but she drew this up so nice with pictures and a flowchart… So I just sent it out to IG and let it simmer.
I find “Menial care tasks” sap my creative and physical energy, so I’ve arranged some things in my life to make it more tolerable. I have a satisfying little tickbox for when I drink water. I try to fold and hang laundry while watching a show with my family. I kind of like cooking dinner but try to listen to an audiobook while doing it so I don’t feel guilty hand-smashing cloves of garlic instead of using canned. I write my week out in a lovely planner on Sunday afternoons. I do fun physical activities like rollerskating and step. The point is: I can make these tasks tolerable when I’m mindful of them, but I still don’t enjoy these tasks.
However, there are times when these menial care tasks pile up and get the best of me - and one of those times was yesterday the morning after I saw this godforsaken video. After an early morning “episode” let’s call it I sat down to write:
I’m trying to figure out why I am so angry. I can’t even recall where it started, but what I remember is getting jumped on by Charlie as soon as I opened my eyes. I hate waking up and get trampled or barked at. That was the fucking trigger. My whole body tenses upon waking, and then I’m mad at myself for being so dumb as to think the dog is going to be magically trained overnight. I can fix that by ensuring the dog is locked up at night. From there, I got angry at Ken for refusing to get out of bed to let the dogs out. He just sits there wide awake chuckling sending gifs to his friends while I’ve gotten up washed my face, made coffee, checked email, and started tidying up. I even worked on training Charlie not to jump and scratch the door. Standing in my closet, barely awake, but pretty accomplished, I grab the laundry basket and this video I saw yesterday flashed in my mind. It was about “Menial” care tasks. I recall a comment “I want to punch her in the face”. Felt that right there. I start thinking about why this is true while stuffing laundry in the machine grumbling in my head:
‘Those of us that want to punch this little bitch have lived our entire lives busting our asses and these people who haven’t tried half as hard are goading us. Not only is everything we’ve busted our asses for fucking worthless, but now these assholes are now parading the shit in our faces calling us Lords of the Fiefdom?! These “Menial Care Tasks” are things that go-getters have been trained to hate doing, and it’s shit that is important for us to be healthy! I WANT to enjoy doing the laundry, but I have to rewire my brain for it to be even close to reality. And what is this bitch doing? Drawing fun little diagrams and making a video - not menial tasks! She gets to have fun while most of us plunk away at spreadsheets, cut lawns, or unclog toilets.’
My anger grew as I walked around the house cleaning even before I’d gotten my morning coffee — which is most people’s only real joy before they die a long, slow quiet death every single day.
THEN my husband has the audacity to ask me where the blue pitcher is - one of many that he has hijacked over the years to fill his fish tank up. I lose it: “I don’t fucking know or care. You leave that shit out every day and so where it ends up who fucking knows. I probably put it away!” He’s looking in the garage, in the pantry. “It’s only ever in 1 of 2 places! LOOK UNDER THE SINK OR NEAR YOUR FISH TANK” He lazily opened one door under the sink and barely peered in. I opened the other side and shoved it at him. The rage that had been building in me all morning burst like an overfilled waterballoon.
I don’t want all the things that create more Menial Tasks anymore. The dogs, the kneepads for volleyball on the floor, the fish tank pitcher, the ridiculously late and complex tax return. I feel alone with burdens that I never wanted in the first place, and in the back of my head, I got this bitch calling me an asshole Lord of a fiefdom? I’m the fucking slave to my own property here!
Anyway, we got into a lovely intense argument because all of this was going on in my brain, and I didn’t know it, plus my husband was barely awake himself, impervious to my obvious mental and emotional instability - and of course, neither of us had a sip of caffeine. The whole, “but first, Coffee” should be a mantra. So, after I exploded, I sat down to write out what the fuck just happened - which is how I came to understand my rage.
10/10 recommend writing out the scenerio when intense shit happens.
Of course, we talked it out later, and all I needed from my partner was to be seen and manhandled into a chair with a cuppa before proceeding. Fifteen years of marriage teaches you a few things.
Bonus: I now understand that this TikTok creator’s logic was flawed.
The flawed logic of her argument is applying a Kantian morality: if these tasks are meaningless to me, they are also meaningless to others. For example, I love reading, but some people find it to be a chore. Some people love organizing their shoes, but I find it to be a chore. This is not fucking rocket science. I’m not a Moral Degenerate or feudal Lord of a Manor because I don’t want to do “Menial Care Tasks”.
Even better: I no longer want to punch her, because being a peasant is a state of mind, and I don’t have a desire to punch peasants.
How bout you? Still wanna punch a peasant?
I wanted to punch her too, so that's at least five people to have a similar reaction (six if Natasha wasn't one of the other three people to heart junciego's satisfyingly authentic reply).
But still... is logic really the best tool to unwind this patently illogical reaction? Does logic ever help decode wanting to punch someone in the face?
Here's my theory: there is something deeply unserious about a person who treats one of the fundamental problems of existence - what to do with "your one wild and precious life" - as an ironic joke. The mocking phrase "you go in search of a big exciting life" - and the idea that the obstacle to such a thing is the not adequately entertaining quality of "menial care tasks" - another mocking phrase - is just insulting. She speaks as if we are children who need to be entertained. It is, somehow, profound unseriousness pretending to be deep. Ok. I feel a little better now.
Mary Oliver, on the other hand, was serious, the real thing. Her great poem:
https://genius.com/Mary-oliver-the-summer-day-annotated